OMG! Bobby Ryan Reviewed the New ‘Twilight’!

A lot of people might know Bobby Ryan as the high-scoring Anaheim Ducks winger that Teemu Selanne’s always giving Werther’s Originals to. Others, like a certain T-Bone, might think of Ryan as ‘that guy that my landlord used to rent a house to in Cherry Hill, NJ.’ Few of us in the hockey world acknowledge Ryan for his work in the field of film and literary criticism, however.

Dr. Ryan, as seen on countless dust jackets

The NHL once again proved that they really “get” their fans when they arranged for Bobby Ryan and members of the L.A. Kings to attend the gala opening of the newest Twilight movie this past Monday. Although we here at TB&theHDz are a little irked that Bobby decided to lend his reviewing talents to a rival website, the whole wide world is, undoubtedly, a much, much better place for it.

Of course, Bobby was not asked to review the movie as a hockey player, per se. Like Noam Chomsky before him, Bobby Ryan is an intellectual renaissance man, whose opinion can be considered nothing short of expert in the fields of both Film Theory and Vampire Studies (also like Noam Chomsky). Such a razor-sharp mind is difficult to placate, however, and the latest Twilight installment appears to have come epically short of number 9’s expectations.

Ryan found several shortcomings with the picture. Like, for starters, “[t]he storyline was OK. But the people that were after [Bella] kind of come around and start to help her.” Ryan went on to point out that “[t]raditionally, vampires are … I don’t want to call them loners, but they don’t usually run with others. And all of a sudden, there’s 50 vampires that are on her side.”

Good point! And one that we’ve been harping about here at TB&theHDzHQ for some time now! But what about the movie, Bobby?

“It was a ‘Let’s feel sorry for somebody’ movie. There wasn’t a lot of action like there was in the past. There was an anticlimactic buildup. It was just boring. There’s one fight and it’s cheesy. It ends up being broken up because of love. It’s unbelievable.” Ryan went deeper noting “I was really hoping they were going to develop the story between the werewolves and the vampires, because most of the time they spent around sitting with Bella and then there was a fight and then the movie was over. And we’re like, ‘What just happened?'”

Man, he’s just sayin’ what we’re all thinkin’! And when it comes to the acting… well, let’s just say Bobby thought the kids could’ve done way better. Especially Taylor Lautner, whom Bobby summed up as simply “horrendous.”

Bobby No Likee

“Every time this kid comes on screen, I felt like I had to stop watching. He was worse than all of his other performances. He’s never been good, right?” Now imagine the sound of a needle scratching a record followed by a lusty parenthetical Daaaaaaaaaamn! right here. “He’s been the guy who takes his shirt off and 12 year old girls scream. You can’t expect a lot from him to begin with. But he was so cheesy, man.”

How cheesy!? How cheesy was it!?

“I couldn’t believe it,” says Ryan. “In the opening scene, I’m sitting next to [Los Angeles Kings defenseman] Drew Doughty and this kid comes running out of his house throws it off and starts running into the woods. When did it become uncool to be a dude anymore? I know there’s a market for it … but what happened to the strong silent guy who kicks people’s asses when they needed to?… Holy [crap] that was the worst acting I’ve ever seen.”

Ok, first off, when did it become uncool to be a dude? That has us real worried! But was there anything good about this movie? How about the vampire getting freaky with that girl after, like, four movies or whatever? That’s a build-up that’s bound to be worthwhile!

“Going from implied sex [in the book] to that scene was a little rough, and from what my girlfriend told me they had to even dull it down from what they originally shot because of the tweens being the focal point,” Ryan says. “But they definitely made that scene intense. Some parents might not let their kids see it.”

For me, it wasn’t over the top” (haha-italics added).

That's more like it!

YEEEEAAAAAH! *High-Fivez* BOBBY RYAN! He’s totally making being a dude cool again!

You can read the original article here, thanks to the good folks at Yahoo! sports.

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