When Moonpie and Huskey got some tickets to December 8th’s Pens/Flyers tilt about five weeks ago, Sidney Crosby’s brain was still thawing out in a Pyrex bowl in Mario Lemieux’s kitchen sink. So you can imagine our giddy reaction when the Crosback began and the Kid started getting even with the rest of the league. This game was gonna feature a bevy of bodacious brahma bulls on both sides, including “Get it on” Kid Cros-lemagne. And, since this is the Battle for the Keystone State, the winning team gets to redraw the state’s electoral map. So a lot of shit is at stake.
So, at first we were all, like, “Yeah!”
But then, suddenly, we were all, like, “No!”
I finally understand what FDR meant when he said December 7th was a day that would live on in infamy, since we found out yesterday that #87 was gonna sit out two games (vs. Philly and the Islanders) after he got a little rattled on the rink.
But this is America. So before we rush to judgement about why Crosby would ever want to hurt us like this, here are some theories about why he’s sitting this one out:
-Crosby will, in fact play- the whole thing was a Canadian April Fool’s Day (Dec. 8th) joke;
-He’s taking a “me day”;
-He’s playing a concert with Graham Nash, Steven Stills, and Neil Young because David Crosby got sick last minute (second CSNY reference in, like, two days. What other hockey blog has the fucking balls to do that!?);
-Sid wanted to sit in the stands with Moonpie and Huskey cuz we’re cool and funny and can teach him how to dance a la Footloose;
-After realizing that he’d never seen the sun set over Philadelphia, Crosby used one of his sick days and planned an excursion to the Belmont Plateau. As for proof of this theory, he was seen purchasing a disposable camera at the CVS on Spring Garden this morning;
-He was gonna carpool to the games with Matthew Barnaby, but, well… that ain’t gonna happen;
-Sid ate too many Dempster’s ‘bread and turkey’ sam’miches;
-After a hectic rush to get the whole, crazy team to the airport to catch a last-minute flight, Pens’ coach “Disco” Dan Bylsma realizes, mid-flight, that he’s left Crosby home alone;
-He washed his white away jersey with his red wool socks. When the jersey turned pink, Crosby was too ashamed to admit to the mistake and simply said he felt dizzy;
-Crosby finally heard a Flyers fan call him Cindy and, well, that was just plain mean;
-Sidney is wrapping up filming on his Klumps-style film in which he plays all the family members of a morbidly obese clan of hockey-(and vittles-)lovin’ Canadian hill people;
-Despite reports that Crosby’s missing the games due to a hit, the truth is that Zdeno* Chara of the Boston Bruins whispered the following into Sidney’s ear during a scrum in front of the Pittsburgh net and, well, he needed some time to wrap his head around this shit:
“A master who lived as a hermit on a mountain was asked by a monk,
‘What is the Way?’
‘What a fine mountain this is,’ the master said in reply.
‘I am not asking you about the mountain, but about the Way.’
‘So long as you cannot go beyond the mountain, my son, you cannot
reach the Way,’ replied the master.”
And thus the Kid was a child no longer…
Either way, listen to me Sid: you are gold when you’re a kid, like green. When you’re a kid everything is new, dawn. Like the way you dig sunsets, Ponyboy… I mean, whoops. Sidney. That’s Gold. Keep it that way, it’s a good way to be. But just, you know, try not to miss anymore games that we’re at, ok? But just joshin’ about the headline. Stay golden, Sid. And let us know if you wanna learn some ill dance moves.
*Think about it… Zdeno rearranged is ‘do Zen’.