Ya-hey, my fellow big hockey chieftains. So good of you to stop by and visit this edition of It’s the Freakin’ Weekend!
Feelin’ the winter chillz? What better way to heat things right up by skating around really fast-like on some ice? Not feeling up to that? Then stay home, tune in, and quit your goddamned bellyaching or, so help me God, I’ll turn this blog right back around.
9 December- Toronto vs. Washington
It’s a match between two surprising teams, as the Leaves Leafs are kinda good and the Caps are kinda bad. I admit I was not amongst the ‘whodas’ that ‘woulda thunk it’ when the season began. Either way, it’s a national-capital grudge match to try and see- wait. Toronto isn’t the capital of Canada? Are you sure about that?
Educated Guess: Toronto is officially introduced as the capital of Canada. Seriously- I’m pretty sure, man.
10 December- San Jose and St. Louis
Boy, this would sure look like pick made on a slow news day in hockeyland, but would I mislead you guys? No way! Check it: the Blues have been playing quite well under “Haystacks” Hitchcock and are looking more and more like a playoff team while the Sharks are still angrily biting wood hockey sticks in half and winning hockey games. Watch and see if Brian Elliot wakes up Saturday morning and remembers ‘Shit, that’s right… I’m Brian Elliot.”
I was in the middle of talking to a coworker, when, suddenly, my eyes rolled back and I foretold:
The only one worthy to score the opening goal shall be referred to as both “Patrick Marleau” and the “Lamb having seven horns and seven eyes”.
Upon the Lamb opening the scoring, a judgment is released or an apocalyptic event occurs. The scoring of the first four goals release the Four Horsemen, with their own specific missions. The fifth goal releases the cries of martyr for the “word of God” (Darren Pang). The sixth goal prompts cataclysmic events. The seventh goal cues Seven Angelic Trumpeters, one of whom is S.J. Sharkie, who in turn cue the judgments.
The Sharks will win, 5-2.
–Translated from the original Aramaic
11 December- Rangers vs. Panthers
Yet another unexpected hockey game of consequence! While we’ve all watched a Rangers-Panthers game on a Sunday evening, you won’t find yourself watching this tilt just because you can’t find the remote/fell asleep during the World’s Strongest Man competition. No sir, that’s not the case Sunday, as these two titans of the Eastern Conference clash and settle the question once and for all: Who is stronger: a ranger or a panther?
Bet me 20 bucks that this is gonna happen, just bet me:
Jovocop not only resolutely answers the previously-asked question, but decides to clean up the streets of New York City one crime lord at a time and is rewarded the key to the city (which gains him access to the head of the Statue of Liberty (and believe me, some really weird stuff goes on in there)).