Seven days ago, nobody would have guessed that it’d be the weekend all over again. But here we are! Rather than sit around and cry about it, I decided to make a difference and fill you in on what’s going on out there. And by ‘out there’ I mean in your house and/or in front of a television. So instead of dealing with all the holiday hustle (not to mention that bustling bullshit that everybody’s gotten into lately) why don’t you get your head straight with some haaaaaaaaaaaawwwwkkeeeeeeeeey?
Note: This weeks edition of “It’s the Freakin’ Weekend” has been set to the tune of Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll (Part Two):
Friday, December 16th: New Jersey Devils/Dallas Stars
Hopefully your work’s holiday party happens today (and hopefully it looks kind of like that Gary Glitter New Year’s party (this is why you need to click the links, guys)), because there’s not a ton of great action going on in the hockey world tonight. But I know some of you out there just need to be told what to do. Like all the goddamn time. Sigh. Well, leave me alone, quit asking me so many questions all the time, and just go watch the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils face off in a game that will have us veterans of the old ‘NHL on ESPN’ days waking up in a chilling night sweat as the echoes of Gary Thorne and Bill Celement reverberate in the darkest recesses of our very souls.
Listen, man. This is how shit’s gonna go down. Just trust me on this one:
Jason Arnott will score an overtime game-winner, helping the Devils win their second Stanley Cup. Seriously, though, they still have Elias and I think Petr Sykora is fartin’ around there, too. Oh yeah, and Brodeur. Fuck that guy.
Saturday, December 17th: Boston Bruins/Philadelphia Flyers
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. How about the two best teams in the east rope-a-dopin’ and it’s a one-PM game? Yes please! I’ve been looking for a way to get more drinking done earlier in the day. So crack some cold ones, swig ’em if you got ’em, and follow these directions:
-If commentators mention Claude Giroux or Chris Pronger are out due to concussions;
-If commentators use the phrase ‘serious blow’, ‘tough break’, or ‘the day the music/hockey died’;
-If commentators say any Philadelphia player needs to ‘step it up’;
-If the camera crew from HBO’s 24/7 is mentioned;
-If a Boston player/coach is interviewed and says that ‘the Flyers are still a good team… we’re not taking them lightly’;
-If Marc Savard is mentioned;
-If Eric Lindros is mentioned;
-If an announcer says “this is where the Flyers miss Pronger/Giroux”;
-If a player in the game gets concussed;
-If a graphic featuring a human brain is displayed;
-If Boston commentator Jack Edwards screams “Get up!” at the non-present Pronger/Giroux;
-If this drinking game is mentioned on air;
-If you just started reading this but it’s already the third period;
-If Zac Rinaldo scores a goal for the Flyers.
Ok, so, like, I have to warn you about this:
If you play that drinking game you’ll die of alcohol poisoning.
Sunday, December 18th: Survivor Season 23 Finale
Guys, I’m not even gonna lie to you.
Who here thinks Coach is gonna pull this off? What about Ozzy? He has the best shot with the jury and we know that he can win an immunity idol or two. Not to mention Sophie’s subtly ‘I’m-smarter-than-all-of-you-dorks’ game plan. Plus flashin’ a little side boob ain’t gonna hurt your odds at a million buck-os. What a madcap finish!
If you wanna watch the St. Louis Blues and the Columbus Blue Jackets play tonight, that’s fine. But steer clear of my watercooler come Monday…
Well, of course that’s gonna happen, when you put it that way:
My $$$ is on RICK!!!