So, last weeks Freakin’ Weekend couldn’t happen because of Christmas. So if you ended up watching some weak-ass Boxing Day action because my steady paw wasn’t there to guide you, well, blame the Big Baby Jesus for effin’ with the perfectly-fine, regular NHL schedule.
But now we are back, with more frankincense and myrrh than you can shake a gold stick at! And this time the NHL don’t give no stinkin’ care about no stinkin’ holiday! In fact, let’s us embrace the pagan roots of the New Year’s celebration by strapping sharp blades on our shoes, equipping ourselves with clubs, and then maybe even get into a fight or two. Follow me to the otherside- see ya in hell, hockey in 2011!
30 December 2011
You got your Red Wings and you got your Blackhawks.
It’s the first meeting of the year between these two heavies of flyover country. But don’t expect a buncha wallflowers, sweaty palms, and the uncomfortable poke or two at this Friday nite dance, no sir! Expect some kick-ass hockey! Both teams are heading into this match with more-than-respectable records and a pair of hot streaks, to boot. And not the kind of hot streak you need to take care of down at the clinic, neither! Yiz-ow! Ka-blarf! Phiz-wark! Woof! Ahem. I kid, I kid!
And maybe it’s just me here, but hasn’t Chicago kinda turned into the Red Wings circa, like, 1995? Like, six really good forwards, chippy 3rd and 4th liners, a solid defense, and two guys that can stop 14-17 shots-per-night? As for what Detroit’s like… I think there’s still a few guys from that circa 1995 team there still! Zing-o! Ka-blam! Ga-dunk! Arf-arf!
Once you use our T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz officially-licensed authentic Bible Code De-Code-er to transcribe the team’s line-up cards, you will discover that: Detroit, MI and Windsor, ON are the modern world’s new Sodom and Gamorrah. Yahweh’s fiery judgement and the ensuing downpour of brimstone will completely consume the cities, but will also serve as an inspiration for the Wings, who will go on to win in the shootout, 3-2.
31 December 2011
Vancouver at LA
While some of us will be busy drinking some Old Granddad whiskey out of a plastic champagne flute and grinding on the dancefloor to the sounds of the Cranberries (hey, don’t judge- you don’t know me!), our PST brothers are gonna be busy fighting the good fight. And that’s the fight. Duh-duh. For our right. Duh-duh. To haaaaaah-keeeeee!
This should be a pretty important litmus test for the Kings, who have picked up a teensy bit o’ steam from their new coach, Ol’ Sourface Sutter. Except this litmus test isn’t like some version of a maxi-pad commercial where some bright blue-colored liquid gets dumped on some paper in order to “prove something”. Nope. This test is to see which group of men can score more goals than the other. Hockey goals.
I was having this weird dream where: Our favorites, Daniel and Henrik Sedin will have another good game. They each will have, like, three points (one with a goal and two assists and the other will get, well, you know, two goals and one assist). They’ll cycle around for most of the game and make crazy passes to one another. They’ll even score this sick powerplay goal! It all felt so real…
1 Jan 2012!
CALGARY at NASHVILLE
There’s an outside chance that you wake up Sunday morning with a plastic champagne flute (and a mysterious taste) in your mouth and this game is playing on t.v. The phonograph needle is making an endless, tight circle around the same grooveless space of a Gap Band record. You certainly don’t know where the remote is. You don’t know where you are. You could wait around and watch this game through one half-opened, bleary eye, in hopes of finding out who’s house you’re at and where that is and what you did. Or you could just get out of there before whoever shared the hide-a-bed with you awakes…
This has nothing to do with the Calgary-Nashville thing, but you’re going to need to: Apologize. To everyone. Trust me. You just need to.
3 Day Weekend (with 4 days)
2 January 2012!
NY Rangers at Philadelphia Flyers (this is that outside game we told you about!)
Just as the Mayans (or was it the Aztecs (Incas (Incans?)?)?) predicted using their puck-shaped calendar, 2012 would bring many frightening changes. Hockey will be played outside, on a baseball field, and nothing would be as it seems.
Seriously, though, the NHL has once again pulled off an excellent Truman Show and arranged a Winter Classic that’s sure to be a cold-month-time-memorable-game-of-hockey. This game is of about as much consequence as games in early January can be, but, more importantly, both teams are playing some wildly entertaining hockey: winning here, losing there, and saying a lot of funny stuff in between. Should be good!
You know what’ll make it all even better!? Hanging out in the parking lot outside the stadium before the game starts! That is what’ll!
Did I mention that the Broad Street line is going to be giving free rides to the sport complex here in Philly, too?
Another holiday miracle!
Do not be surprised if: T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz drop the ceremonial first puck… to start every period, of course (like Cerberus of old, this pooch has three fucking radical heads; but unlike Cerberus, we have three individual torsos and arms and legs)!
And, also, this game’s probably going to be really suh-weet, too. Not to give too much away, but let’s just say that something classic‘s gonna happen. And based on our previous demonstrations of potent psychic powers (the Doug Smail premonitions, calling that goalie goal, etc.), I think it’s fair to wager that you’ll be getting a goalie fight, someone barfing on the ice (you know some of the Flyers are gonna be hittin’ 2 street HARD Sunday), and maybe an eclipse? Like, during the shootout? Can we make this happen, puh-leez?