Feeling that post-holiday ‘pinch’, both as your pants feel tighter and those credit card bills come rolling in? Take solace in the fact that hockey is there for you, ever ready to assuage all your worries, solve all of your problems, and alienate you from most of mainstream society (which got you into this ‘pinch’ mess in the first place). Put your driver’s license in your shoe, cuz who knows where you’re gonna wake up after this freakin’ weekend…
6 January 2011
Rangers v. Penguins
The Rangers are the current kings of Mount NHL Standings, while the Pens have made base camp a little ways beneath. Before I go and say ‘hey, you guys! Check this shit out, it’s gonna be coo-ool!’, I should point out that New York goalkeep Henrik Lundqvist is posting a GAA of 1.92 and a save percentage of .937. So don’t expect ‘coo-ool’ to mean a lot of Penguins’ goals. But there’s other cool stuff that might happen.
What kind of cool stuff might happen? There’s no ‘might happen’ when it comes to this one: Darren McCord takes his two kids to a Pittsburgh Penguins National Hockey League game, unknowing that the sports arena has been taken over by terrorists, who are holding the Vice President of the United States, as well as many other high-ranking officials hostage. Darren later becomes the only one who is aware of the situation. And the stakes are raised when the terrorists announce that they will blow-up the building at the end of the game. Therefore, Darren must not only subdue the terrorists, but postpone the game and send it to overtime, where the Pens win on a nifty goal by Jordan Staal. Instead of blowing the arena up, though, the terrorists are so caught up in their newfound love of hockey that they forget about the explosives and head to the Consol Energy Penguins Team Store to get some authentic merchandise. Oh, and Darren McCord ends up sounding fucking cray-zee when he tries explaining how he was the “only one who [was] aware of the situation.”
7 January 2011
Canucks v. Bruins
File this one under ‘hockey is amazing’, guys! I don’t know what all to say. These two heavies met up in last year’s Stanley Cup Final and Boston won in seven. If you don’t recall, it was a pretty chippy series and nobody should be surprised if there’s some chipper chipping happening when these two teams rumble in Saturday’s big showdown at high noon (CST). Although this is only a regular season game, plenty of prognosticators, prophets, and visionaries see this as a potential rematch for this year’s cup, since both teams are doing some real next-level shit these days. The only thing I’m predicting for Saturday is some beer and an orphaned pizza left on my doorstep.
Wait, what did you say was going to happen? What, the pizza thing? I was just kinda hoping that somebody would give me one while this game was on. Why would that happen? I don’t know. Well, at least write something funny now. Ok, so a Canuck walks into a bar and there’s this Bruin standin’ there, right? And so the Canuck sez to the Bruin, he sez- No, like that prediction thing that’s just a cheap joke. It’s at the end of these previews every time. Oh. Well. Um, I actually wasn’t really prepared for this, but maybe Daniel could climb onto Henrik’s shoulders and they could wear an XXXL-Extra-Long Canucks jersey and see if having the tallest player on the ice really is the key to victory. That wasn’t a prediction. Well, ok, sorry I said ‘maybe’, but I told you I wasn’t prepared to- hey! Wait a second… who let you into this blog!? Uh… I have to run. Thanks. I know you, asshole!
8 January 2011
Red Wings v. Blackhawks
Jesus, I already wrote about these guys. Last week! Well, I’m pretty sure that most of my insight still makes sense. Let’s see…
It’s the first meeting of the year between these two heavies of flyover country. But don’t expect a buncha wallflowers, sweaty palms, and the uncomfortable poke or two at this Friday nite dance, no sir! Expect some kick-ass hockey! Both teams are heading into this match with more-than-respectable records and a pair of hot streaks, to boot. And not the kind of hot streak you need to take care of down at the clinic, neither! Yiz-ow! Ka-blarf! Phiz-wark! Woof! Ahem. I kid, I kid!
And maybe it’s just me here, but hasn’t Chicago kinda turned into the Red Wings circa, like, 1995? Like, six really good forwards, chippy 3rd and 4th liners, a solid defense, and two guys that can stop 14-17 shots-per-night? As for what Detroit’s like… I think there’s still a few guys from that circa 1995 team there still! Zing-o! Ka-blam! Ga-dunk! Arf-arf!
Once you use our T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz officially-licensed authentic Bible Code De-Code-er to transcribe the team’s line-up cards, you will discover that: Detroit, MI and Windsor, ON are the modern world’s new Sodom and Gamorrah. Yahweh’s fiery judgement and the ensuing downpour of brimstone will completely consume the cities, but will also serve as an inspiration for the Wings, who will go on to win in the shootout, 3-2.
Good thing nobody reads this far!