Last week I kinda lost my cool and made minor fuss about having to suggest the same marquee Wings/’Hawks matchup two weeks in a row to ya’ll. Then today when I called up the NHL to find out what games were on this weekend, all I kept hearing was Chicago this and Blackhawks that. Of course, my first instinct was to say ‘fuck it’ and suggest other games before people on the internet started saying ‘if you like the Blackhawks so much, why don’t you marry them, Huskey?’ Well, being a gay polygamist is highly illegal, number one, and number two (haha… number two) I don’t want to tell anybody to go watch a Sabres/Islanders game. Plus this segment’s name comes from a chart-toppin’ tune by Chicago hero/Blackhawks’ 7th defenseman Robert “R. Kelly” Kelly, so this is basically kismet.
Now I don’t usually do this, but, uh, go on ahead and break ‘em off a lil’ preview of the remix:
FRIDAY THE 13th! EWWWWWW, SCARY!
Pittsburgh Penguins v. Florida Panthers
Ok, so this game is kind of a warm-up for our Chicago-themed weekend because I know that neither of these teams represent the city of Chicago, and the game isn’t played in Chicago. But, uh, well. First off, maybe you could watch this while eating a hawt-dawg with the works for dinner. Is that a Chicago thing? Probably. Where aren’t dawgs a thing? Oh, but a deep dish pizza. There you go. Eat some of that. And hey! Brian Campbell used to be a Blackhawk. And so was Kris Versteeg! Now they play in Florida. And the Panthers’ GM Dale Tallon, he used to run hockey stuff in Chicago. So there’s all that for you to marinate over. And you may also tune in to see if Sidney Crosby [watching the game from the press box] can help the Pens snap a nasty losing streak that has them on the verge of scheduling tee times this forthcoming May.
I woke up this morning and here’s what I scrawled in my dream journal: Penguins everywhere but it is hot, too. [T]hey aren’t comfortable and then cats with [illegible] that soundeded [sic.] like a crying baby started coming out of somewhere. I couldn’t see. T-Bone was there, but he did nothing also. I tried to shake his hand but it was a penguin flapper/paw and he looked upset and when he opened his mouth there was no sound coming out.
Interpretation: In addition to my confused sexual identity and a transparently evident disdain for my parents, this dream also strongly suggests that the Penguins will grind it out for 60 minutes to force OT, but their current lack of depth at forward and defense will cost them the extra point in 4-on-4 play.
SATURDAY THE 14th!
Chicago Blackhawks v. Detroit Red Wings
Here’s where it gets Chicago-style. Saturday is purportedly going to be a gusty day in the Delaware Valley (where we bonerz and doggie-woggiez reside), which fits because I like to call Chicago “the Windy City.” So it’ll be like I’m right there. And maybe I’ll invite T-Bone and Moonpie over to watch the game because it is going to be on NBC and guess who has a converter box and a television set? If you said ‘Huskey?’, then you’d be danged tootin’. As for the game, these two teams should be tired of seeing one another’s ugly mugs. Except that dreamboat Lidstrom… nobody gets tired of that chiseled, Viking visage. But this is the third meeting between the two squads in as many weeks and Saturday’s contest is a bit of a rubber match. Should be goo-ood!
While I was at Jiffy Lube, I noticed that Psychic Syliva Browne was on Montel and here’s what she had to say about the upcoming Red Wings/Blackhawks matchup: Patrick Kane is a street-wise kid who knows all the tricks. Today he decides to take the day off from the game. And when Patrick takes the day off, so must his best friends, Toews and Hossa. Toews is reluctantly persuaded to borrow his father’s Ferrari, and together they hatch a plan to get Hossa out of practice. Suspicious Coach Quenville knows all about Kane, but can never catch him. Patrick’s sister Jeanie is also frustrated that he always gets away with his tricks and she doesn’t. But he’s a young, white millionaire athlete, so what the fuck does she expect? Furthermore, Patrick is an ‘angel’ in his parent’s eyes. It’s Patrick’s day off- he’s out to enjoy himself in the Windy City, and he does! Not by scoring goals this time, but by lip synching along to some hits while leading a parade (and the ‘Hawks)!
Sunday the 15th
San Jose Sharks v. Chicago Blackhawks
I don’t think a Native American ever had to fight a shark, so this proxy battle is going to have to do for the curious among us until Deadliest Warrior brings Apache out of retirement and starts allowing sharks on their show. Personally, I like Shark qua killing machine: sharp teeth, keen sense of smell, and constant movement/evasiveness. The only problem is, though, that sharks probably suck at things on ice, which is frozen water. Native Americans, on the other hand, can handle the ice and cold, so they’ve got a distinct advantage. But what if the tribe had a hockey game the day before? This could really go either way, folks. Let me consult the oracle here.
Huskey: Ex-squeeze me, Oracle, but, uh, do you know what’s going to happen with this San Jose/Chicago game? It’s kinda important. It’s for the blog.
Oracle: Now your statues are standing and pouring sweat. They shiver with dread. The black blood drips from the highest rooftops. They have seen the necessity of evil. Get out, get out of my sanctum and drown your spirits in woe.
Huskey: It’s a hockey blog.
Oracle: The strength of bulls or lions cannot stop the foe. No, he will not leave off, I say, until he tears the city or the king limb from limb.
Huskey: What about sharks? Can sharks stop the foe?
Oracle: Also the dragon (serpent), earthborn, in craftiness coming behind thee.
Huskey: Hm. So you like Chicago then? That’s funny ‘cuz I do this segment where-
Oracle: I count the grains of sand on the beach and measure the sea; I understand the speech of the dumb and hear the voiceless. The smell has come to my sense of a hard shelled tortoise boiling and bubbling with a lamb’s flesh in a bronze pot: the cauldron underneath it is of bronze, and bronze is the lid.
Huskey: Soooooo… wait. Who’s the boiled tortoise and who’s the lamb’s flesh? Marleau? Are you talking about Marleau?
Oracle: (Sighs) I’m not gonna spell it out for you any more, ok?
Huskey: Man! Ok, fine. Touchy, touchy. Well, I’m pretty sure the lamb flesh is about Marleau… The tortoise thing might be about Thornton, too. Ok, then, so I think that the Oracle is saying that the Sharks are cooked-
Huskey: Yes! There you have it: 4-2, ‘Hawks win!