First off: we still have some beautiful buttons for sale, folks. $30 each or 3/$100. We wore them. Game worn.
Moving on: Sometimes… I swear, guys. *sigh* It’s like the Bruins just want me to hate them. I know what you’re thinking and then saying at your computer/smartphone/T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz E-Reader: ‘That’s crazy, bro. Those dudes don’t know you like that!’
But! Don’t take things so literally, guys. And, besides that, I sometimes think that Bruins want me to love them.
Now everybody’s probably spit-taking coffee all over your computer/smartphone/T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz E-Reader and saying ‘what the fuck, bro!? Pick a side! And buy me a new computer!’
So I’ve folded a perforated sheet from a yellow legal pad (hot-dog style) and have created two columns: “pro” and “con”. The “pro” side is where I’ll provide positive commentary about the Boston Bruins, while I can use the “con” portion of the sheet to record all of the team’s shortcomings and foibles. When I complete this diagnostic, I can tally which side is truer and determine what I think. I call this the “Huskey Universal System for [K]alculating Excellent hockeY-teams” (H.U.S.K.E.Y.).
And. Here. We. Go.
Huskey: All right, pro, take it away.
Pro: The Bruins are really good. At hockey, that is. I’m sure they’re mostly good people, too. But, qua hockey fans, we should appreciate a team that plays the game well. So, I guess you must like the Bruins… that was easy.
Huskey: Hold on, Con’s got something to say, though. Con?
Con: Thank you. You shouldn’t actually like the way they play. Cuz they kinda play like jerks. Oh, and there were two cons stuck together here, too… I also don’t like a lot of their players.
Pro: Well, obviously, the Bruins are mostly professional ice hockey players (pros), so there’s that to consider. And unless they bring back Chris Nilan, I don’t think they have any cons.
Con: Con doesn’t mean convict, it means, uh… conservative? Oh, yeah, like
Pawnee, IN Parks Department Director Ron Swanson Bruins’ goalie Tim Thomas. He totally skipped out on meeting the PRESIDENT OF AMERICA. C’mon, man, Tomas Kaberle was there! And it’s not like the Bruins had to congratulate Barry Obama. It’s the other way around, dude! Low class, Thomas. A starting goaltender and true patriot would go to the White House/lead Team USA to within a goal of the Gold Medal… Typical back-up ‘tude, guys.
Pro: Well, this ain’t T-Bone and the Legislative Doggz, so that point is moot. Thomas is a great goalie and-
Con: and kind of a racist, just sayin’. Didn’t want to shake the black man’s hand.
Pro: Dude, c’mon! Timmy Thomas is America. Scrappin’ and strugglin’ and playing semi-pro hockey in Finland before making it to the National Hockey League. What’s more American than that?
Pro: And as T-Squared stated:
I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.
This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.
Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.
He’s a con, alright… A consummate citizen!
Con: Con- bor-ring! And here’s another con: using hockey as a platform for political proselytizing. And con, I think his helmet is stupid, too.
Huskey: Pro- response?
Pro: What about the rest of the team? They’re pretty great from top-to-bottom. Balanced scoring, great defense, and, love him or hate him, one of the best goalies in the cosmos.
Con: Marchand and Lucic. I’m gonna go ahead and count that as two cons.
Pro: But they’re both gamechangers: good at being pesky, tough, and chipping in goals.
Con: So, what, I don’t have to like dicks unless they’re successful because they’re dicks? No way. Didn’t work for Claude Lemieux, ain’t gonna work for these dudes. Plus, they’re kinda whiners for as tuff as they like to act. Marchand and Lucic get suspended and they act like they’re gonna take it to Judge Judy or something.
Pro: Ok, ok. Whatever. Agree to disagree.
Con: That counts as a con, agreeing to disagree.
Pro: All right, well, here’s a pro: winning a Stanley Cup. Doesn’t get much more pro than that.
Con: Fuck. (shaking head) You right, you right.
Pro: And doesn’t having a good opponent to root against make watching games a lot more interesting? Wouldn’t you rather see a team you like tussle with the Bruins rather than your Hurricanes and your Lightningses?
Con: Yeah, and revenge. Good point.
Pro: So… I guess you should like the Bruins.
Con: Hold the phone. No. I’ll concede the Bruins being a worthy adversary. But what about Jack Edwards?
Con: Thought so.
Huskey: Well, guys, good H.U.S.K.E.Y session there. And, of course, we got a tie! So we learned absolutely nothing there.
Pro: Shouldn’t we go to a shootout?
Huskey: As you might expect, H.U.S.K.E.Y plays by its own rules, one of which is: ties can happen. Anywhere, anytime. Pretty much when you least expect it. But, yeah, in summation: The B’s are good- possibly too good. They’re definitely full of, ahem, characters-
Con: Bad guys. They even wear black helmets. Like the bad guys in a western.
Huskey: That’s a great point, although I never saw Clint Eastwood wearing a Jofa helmet. But hockey needs bad guys. Keeps things interesting. And they can back up that attitude with their play on the ice (even if their attitude off the ice is e-noy-ing). So, for the time being, let’s agree to give the Bruins a chance, watch their home broadcasts on mute, and hope for some raucous playoff hockey. Sound good?