Freakin’ All Star Game

When we were kings

Normally the words ‘all-star’ and ‘hockey’ and ‘game’ would make for a pretty fantastic sentence. But this ain’t our first rodeo, friends and lovers. It’s been well-established that NHL All-Star Games are the least exciting 11-10 hockey games you’ll ever see, but don’t let that spoil your freakin’ weekend.

Friday, 27 January.

Uh, nothing! Nothing doing, guys. Maybe you could go to that speed dating thing at the Library tonight?

Who will win the fastest dater competition?

This will happen. I promise: You will totally hook up with somebody from that speed dating thing. But not who you think! That I’m not disclosing…


Saturday, the next day in the month.

Hockey Doggz

This is probably the hockey highlight of the weekend, unless some crazy shit goes down in Russia. But, yes, Saturday night is when the NHL’s brightest stars will shine like the great, helmetless, fuming balls of noxious space gasses that they are. You’ll get to enjoy all of the classics like hardest-shot, fastest skater, and the dreaded 3-on-0 breakaway contest to see who can most successfully pass the puck one-time-too-many. And you’ll probably also have to watch a slew of other events not entirely unlike a dog agility contest from the Great Outdoor Games. A goalie race. Maybe something where a player has to eat three saltines and successfully whistle ‘She’ll Be Comin’ Around the Mountain’ (all the verses- no cop outs on this one) before rapidly spinning around in a circle and then trying to skate around the rink. Did I mention they’ll be blindfolded?

I noticed this dog-eared page in my copy of the Popol Vuh and here’s what it had to say about the 2012 NHL All-Star Skills Competition: Zdeno Chara will not only defend his hardest shot title, but also win the tallest player competition.


That day that comes after that last one I mentioned.

Scenic Ottawa

If you don’t have NBC Sports Network (nee Versus), then you’re in luck: you don’t have to watch the All-Star Game. If you were hoping to catch that pre-recorded Grand Prix of Stationary Rowing program, though, then you’re gonna have to sit through this mess and hope it ends quickly. Which is what the players are doing. They had to go to Ottawa. I’d try to get suspended right before this thing, too. But, hey, there’s always a chance something funny will happen. Or light-hearted, at least. And if you like seeing multi-millionaire athletes win automobiles, then you’ll have a pretty good weekend.

My psychic powers don’t get NBC Sports Network, either, so I can’t foresee what’ll happen. Here’s a suggestion, instead: Why can’t we just do the Olympics instead?

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