Monthly Archives: February 2012

Deadline Shmeadline

Huskey tweeting to his followers.

If you’re reading this, than you probably already read the 10,000 other articles analyzing the NHL trade deadline deals.  Who won, who lost, if Paul Gaustad was really worth a 1st rounder.  So, since the internet will continue to beat this dead horse for a couple more days, T-bone and the Hockey Doggz will stay out of it.  We’ll leave the caring about Rick Nash not being traded to people who give a shit.

HOWEVER!

We would like to tell you to follow us on twitter @tbonehockeydogz.  Sometimes, when T-bone is hungover and doesn’t want to get too far away from the toilet for various reasons, he fades in and out of consciousness while watching hockey games and tweets his thoughts.  Last weekend he miraculously predicted Ray Whitney of the Phoenix Coyotes would score on Edmonton Oilers defenseman Ryan Whitney in the epic battle of #WhitneyVsWhitney.  “Emotional”, “inspiring”, and “whirl-wind of excitement” are words could you could use to describe the T-bone’s live tweets, if you were a weirdo.  Follow us anyhow ’cause you’re not a weirdo, and because sometimes it’s funny.  Don’t invest too much time in it though…

Twitter gone wrong

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Freakin’ Weekend: Redux

Must be the weekend...

Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend. Except some hockey players, who are workin’ on the weekend. Now I ‘get’ why they earn millions of dollars every year! Come, follow me- I can lead you through ‘the zone’… Continue reading

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Red Wings Succumb to Curse of Kyle Quincy, Lose at Home

As you all know by now, the Red Wings of Detroit have not lost a home hockey game since the Bush administration. The first one. H.W. Like, 769 straight games in Detroit- all wins. On the road, they’re something like a .500 team. But when outsiders show up to the Joe Lewis Arena, well, a different team shows up. Maybe it’s the motivational intermission speeches from Clint Eastwood, or Robocop making an appearance in the visitor’s locker room to ‘level the playing [ice]’, or perhaps it’s some other joke about Detroit that I can’t think of right now. No matter what, though, the Red Wings were unbeatable at home. But apparently the Vancouver Canucks don’t know the meaning of ‘unbeatable’ (well, after last year’s Cup finals, I’d say they might not grasp the whole ‘unbeatable’ thing…), because they showed up in Mo-Town and rudely won the hockey game- and right when they were a mere pussy hair away from losing!

Technicality

Now, it’s worth pointing out that the Nuck-Nucks won on what some would deem a ‘technicality’- a shootout. I agree, but my definition of ‘technicality’ can mean ‘awesome’, ‘cool’, or ‘fun to watch’. You’ve never heard it used that way before? Hm. This technicality had a little bit of everything. Case in point: how about Todd ‘Two-Million-Dollars-Per-Year’ Bertuzzi skating about .75 MPH towards the guy the Canucks traded him for? In case you never, ever see it, all’s I can say is, Bertuzzi just skated really slowly towards the net and then shot the puck at Robert O. Luongo’s leg. It was like he hears his mom yealling ‘c’mon Todd! We have to go! Now! Grandma’s waiting in the car, let’s go!’ and he’s just being a pill, skating all slow like that. Just fucking milking it. Then, the flip side of that, we had Alex Burrows, who used a less lethargic technique to achieve outstanding excellence in the category of hockey victories. While there was nothing unusual about Burrows’ move or anything, his celebration was noteworthy. Since this was special, what with that streak and all, the third Sedin tried to emphatically snap his stick over his thigh in celebration a la Bo Jackson. Which, I admit, was pretty clever, given he just singlehandedly snapped the Red Wings’ home winning streak. But he failed to break it, which was kind of funny. Especially since he was still pretty intense-looking and screaming.

Well, point is, is: this is the closest we get to playoff intensity until, uh, the playoffs. Duh! It’s called foreplay and it’s an important element in any season. Red Wings net minder Jimmy Howard was minding the hell out of that net, while his counterpart was also a pretty savvy dude when it came to using his body to keep the rubber discs outside of his own, personal special area.  Detroit’s third line were on their collective grind, providing all the offensive output, while ‘Dirty’ Daniel Sedin had a big game. Henrik ‘Two Assists’ Sedin wasn’t bad, neither. Heck, nobody was bad, tonight. I’m glad everybody gets some sort of point, because they all deserve it, entertaining me like that. So before people sully up the internet with gripey vibes about ‘bad icing call’ this and ‘Datsyuk out of the lineup that’ and ‘ew, they won the shootout, but that don’t even count, really’, just stop and appraise things as they are for a second. Detroit won an ass-load of hockey for their fans and they’ll likely continue doing so, right on through the springtime. This win by Vancouver should only serve to make things even more exciting should the two titans clash somewhere down the road.

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Hockey in Seattle?!

Filth Washer a.k.a Sud Zone a.k.a. Think Tank

I might be a week late and a possible sale of the Phoenix Coyotes to an investment group in Glendale short, but this is called ‘T-bone’s thoughts’ for a reason right?  Plus, while I was in the shower this morning I thought of some pretty good ideas for what an NHL team in Seattle might be called and I can’t let those go to waste.

Last Thursday, the Mayor of Seattle and a beautiful, smart, golden-hearted man named Chris Hansen (no relation) announced plans to build a $500 million dollar arena south of a Safeco Field parking garage.  My dad, D-bone, lives about an hour outside of Seattle so I asked him what the general public in the region was thinking:

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When Was the Last Time We Talked About the Blue Jackets?

'Why doesn't Scott call me back!?'

Well, every hockey-lovin’ butt in the universe is scuttling lately with the trade deadline approaching. We hockey doggz (and our pal T-Bone) spoke about this subject a bit in our last podcast, particularly about how slow the upcoming deadline day was shaping up to be. Then. BAM! Dominic Moore gets traded for the 14th time in three-and-a-half years.

Excitement!

Really, though, most of the big deals keeping GMs close to their Dreamphones involve the Columbus Blue Jackets franchise. And who wouldn’t want a player or two from that bunch? Let’s take a look at just what dudes the Mistake Near the Lake might be sending off to your favorite team! Continue reading

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What’s the Deal With Center Ice Goals? Wazzup with the Phoenix Coyotes? Where am I?

Center Ice Goals

Over the past couple of weeks, we have seen a massive influx of goals being scored from or behind the redline.  And that got me thinking, “What’s the deal?”

First we have Dennis Seidenberg scoring from center ice on Craig Anderson and the Ottawa Senators on January 31st:

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T-bone and the Hockey Doggz No. 8: Tim Thomas, Trade Talks, Slumpin’ & Streakin’

It’s finally here!  The latest T-bone and the Hockey Doggz podcast!  Recorded last night once again at Huskey’s Hockey Palace, in this episode T-bone and the Hockey Doggz discuss the recent political outbursts from Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas and the team’s subsequent shittyness, the NHL trade deadline on February 27th, and the unveiling of a new segment called “Slumpin’ & Streakin'”.  I tell ya, it was a fun time and T-B&theHDz wanted you to be there, but they couldn’t get a hold of you so they just recorded it and are expecting your comments to come via e-mail in the next few days.  

A 36 Pack!!

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A Freakin’ Weekend to Love Forever

This tape is just Mike Lange calling goals...

If I know that special someone of yours (which I do (don’t ask how (or why))), there’s one thing they’re going to really want for Valentine’s day this year. And that’s seeing you lying on the couch like you’re waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio to come sketch you while watching some rootin’/tootin’ NHL hockey. All weekend long, you should be doing this. For romance’s sake. Get those fires burning and s/he’ll be showering you with kisses quicker than you can say ‘Khabibulin.’ Just make sure to wipe off that Pizza Supreme Dorrito dust from your mouth before they go in for the smooch…

STAGE ONE: 10 February

Dallas Stars, Buffalo Sabres

NO GOAL

I'm not bitter, I'm just... just crestfallen.

First things first: NO GOAL. That goal so did not count. Fuck you Brett Hull. Fucking cheat.

Meanwhile, Dallas and Buffalo are both trying to remain relevant, playoff-wise, in their respective conferences. Dallas will have to try a little less hard than Buffalo in that respect, as the Stars sit a mere two points out of an invitation to get swept by Vancouver in the first round, while Buffalo remains ten points back from those scrappy Maple Leafs. If anyone can do it, though, it’s… man, I can’t really say this in good faith anymore, but, uh, I guess it’ll have to be Ryan Miller. Dammit. Well, on the plus side, the American Hero is 4-0-1 with a 0.95 goals-against average and two shutouts in his last five starts. Which would be great if the season were five games long.

BALLPARK ESTIMATE: With coach Lindy Ruff still watching the game from the press box due to some broken ribs (hockey’s such a Ruff ‘n’ tumble sport, even the coaches get hurt!), the Sabres begin to play a more laid-back, fun-lovin’ style of hockey, cuz when papa’s gone, ain’t nobody around to do the spankin’. Guys are gonna get extreme haircuts, smoke cigarettes in the locker room, maybe even invite a girl over to the First Niagara Center or whatever they call that arena these days. It will be fun, sure, but at what cost? In the end, anticipate these boys to become men, and maybe just learn a thing or two along the way. (2012, rated PG-13, 2/5 stars).

 

STAGE TWO: 11 February

Montreal, Toronto

Well, Scott Gomez scored a goal, so there goes about 80% of the “humor” I had lined up. But why not watch and see if he scores again?

Even though there are better teams playing this Saturday, I’d suggest this game for a couple of reasons. Number one, this is one of the better rivalries in the NHL; number two (haha- made you think ‘number two’), both these teams are vying for a playoff birth; and number three, uh, Don Cherry? What’s on his mind? Find out. Anyhow, Montreal is on a mini-tear of late, which is fitting because they’re kind of mini-team. Toronto, meanwhile, can’t seem to string together a consistent spell of games and look to be trying to get themselves eliminated from the playoffs somewhere around game 79. No matter what, though, this could be the match that determines if Mike Komisarek picked the right team to sign with a couple of years ago.

EDUCATED GUESS: Prior to the start of the game, the Montreal media will reveal that Maple Leaf’s goaltender Jonas “the Monster” Gustavsson earned his nickname not from his large, intimidating physical carriage, but, instead, from his years as a serial killer. I know, I know: Montreal typical.

Seriously, though: what if Gustavsson had this on his mask?

Says the report (from the future):

Gustavsson had a difficult and cruel childhood plagued by abuse and drug use in Sweden. He became a prostitute by the age of thirteen, the same year he became a goalie. He eventually moved to Florida where he began earning a living as a highway prostitute–servicing the desires of semi-truck drivers. In a nine month period between 1989 and 1990, during which Gustavsson had a lesbian relationship with a woman named Selby, he also began murdering his clientele in order to get money without using sex. This turned the tables on a rather common phenomena of goalie highway prostitutes being the victims of serial killers–instead the Monster, himself, carried out the deeds of a cold-blooded killer.

Apparently Charlize Theron played him in some sort of film adaptation.

CULMINATING EVENT (PROJECT MAYHEM): 12 February

Philadelphia Flyers, Detroit Red Wings

Love is in the air in Detroit.

Now, honestly, I’ll probably be watching the Capitals and the Rangers this Sunday because that game will be broadcast live on my television/vcr/dvd combo. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and contact your cable or satellite provider and make sure that you have NBC Sports Network so that you can watch this doozy. That’s right, the Red Wings won’t have Darren McCarty to bail them out of this one (or Garth Snow in goal, for that matter), because this ain’t your granddad’s Detroit squad. Well, some of them are. But gramps never heard of Darren Helm, I bet. These teams are actually kind of similarly built: three solid, skilled forward units (sprinkled with some insane, legendary talent), stodgy and effective defense, and, with Jimmy Howard out, some goalies that might be out-dueled by a roughly-human-sized inanimate object of your choosing. The east/west showdowns are usually pretty wide open (since you don’t really care about giving up a point to somebody not in your conference), so get ready for some one to get Kronwalled, Zolnierczyk’d, or, god forbid, Abdelkadered.

SHOT IN THE DARK: Detroit has only lost two games at home this year (no joke!), so Philly’s gonna have to pull out all the stops to win this one. Their best bet is to hope that a Red Wings player’s undiagnosed heart murmur flairs up in the middle of play, causing the game to be postponed and, hopefully, rescheduled at some other site.

Hey that’s not a prediction at all, just a tasteless Jiri Fischer joke!

You’re in Huskey’s Corner- my corner, my rules!

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Trade Deadline Cometh

That’s right friends, the hubbub surrounding the All-Star Game has finally subsided.  I know…too bad. BUT, the next big event on the NHL calendar encased in hullabaloo is the trade deadline.  And this one actually matters!

Rumors, Rumor, Mudshark Rumor

I don’t know if you’ve heard but unlike any other year previous, this deadline has been preceded by rumors, rumors, rumors.  There seems to be no end in sight to the weird/impossible rumors people will put on the internet.  The Bruins? Sending Stanley-Cup-winnin’, Conn-Smythe-havin’, 2-time-Vezina-trophy-gettin’, All-Star-goaltender Tim Thomas to Chicago? For Viktor Stalberg? Ah-ha, ha-ha-ha-ahh…HA!  Whew! that’s a good one.  Corey Perry to Vancouver?!  You, gotta be kidding me.

Well you know what?  Rumors Shumumors!  Who cares about guessing which guy is going where for what draft picks?  Instead, there should be in-depth analysis on what the non-all-stars did on their long weekend.  Pekka Rinne and Jordin Tootoo went fishing, now that’s interesting.  No booze on this cruise, eh Jordin?
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Goin’ on a holiday!

Let's get the hell outta here!

I’ve heard that in Hawaiian-talk, ‘aloha’ means ‘sup’ as well as ‘later.’

If that’s true, then aloha readers!

T-Bone and those darned Hockey Doggz are going on a visionquest/spiritjourney to some places where they don’t have the internet. But I bet they still have hockey! Priorities, folks… Anyways, we’ll be back soon, ok? Write us while we’re gone!

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