Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend. Except some hockey players, who are workin’ on the weekend. Now I ‘get’ why they earn millions of dollars every year! Come, follow me- I can lead you through ‘the zone’…
24 February 2012
New York, New York.
It’s a hell of a town! Although I think the Islanders are from that weird part of the metro area that’s not really the town. Gatsby country. Either way, the close proximity of these teams has fostered some hate-filled hockey hoedowns, even if the Blueshirts have to take a subway, Amtrak, and a jitney to get out to Nassau. Geographic inaccuracies aside here, there’s nothing funny about this rivalry- no matter where either party is located in the standings. The Rangers are looking like one of the East’s teams to beat, and I still expect the lowly Islanders to look at the Rangers like, uh, well… a team to beat.
Here’s an excerpt of an email I sent myself from the future:… so everything worked out and I was able to save the future rebel leader from that robot-planned rocket attack. Did that work out on your end (the past), or have the machines risen and crushed humankind for good? Oh, and that Rangers/Islanders game you asked me about? I think the Rangers won 3-1 or 2-0 or something. Some guy had a powerplay goal… I wanna say Sean Avery, but, well. That can’t be right. I don’t remember for sure…
25 February 2012
Blackhawks vs. Kings
Well, get a good look-see at these new-look Kings! Based on innumerable expert opinions from the ‘comments’ section on every hockey website’s report of the Kings’ swap of Jack Johnson for Jeff “tha” Carter, LA is about to turn into a wasted partyscape of empty booze bottles, broken marriages, and non-stop drug-fueled ragers! Because everybody knows the only thing keeping Los Angeles, CA from becoming a morally-adrift and sordid wasteland was the reuniting of two hockey players. But, as things on the ice stand, this game is important for the Kings (and the Blackhawks, too, I guess). Can they score enough goals (I dunno, like, two?) to walk away with the ‘w’?
Using a pack of Score 92-93 NHL cards as a tarot deck, I saw the following: Los Angeles will definitely turn into a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Anze Kopitar’s torso will hang over the city, supported by what could be arms. Or rotting tree trunks. That part is a little hazy. But Dustin Brown’s head will sprout a disk populated by demons and victims together with bagpipes reminiscent of human viscera. Jonathan Quick will be seen sporting a grey hood in lieu of his usual goalkeeping equipment, but not just any hood! His is a hood complete with an arrow jammed between his buttocks! People will notice Drew Doughty waiting to climb the ladder into the Kopitar’s central cavity, where nude men (Richards and Carter) wait in a tavern-like setting. Kings’ captain Dustin Brown gazes outwards all the while, his secretive expression a mix of wistfulness and resignation.
26 February 2012
Blue Jackets vs. Penguins
Hey, equal opportunity here. How’s the Jack Johnson era gonna pan out in Columbus? Considering that the BJs put up a 18-35-7 record during the [Jeff] Carter Administration, there’s an outside chance they play better. Either way, Jack Johnson
and Rick Nash has six years to turn things around in the city famous for it’s Blue Jackets. Plus, I think Moonpie’s brother won some tickets to this game. Or maybe he bought them, fair and square. Either way, I seem to remember him being excited about seeing the Penguins win, so I figured this was probably the game he was talking about.
Hilarious Prediction: Blue Jackets win, thanks to a balanced scoring attack, tight defensive play, and solid goaltending from Steve Mason.