I thought for a second I ran out of time for this week’s F.W. because I was sewin’ together my Dwight Yoakam back-patch this morning, but then I remembered that I had to go to work. So I could do it then. On the clock!
Read it and weep!
2 March 2012
Chicago Blackhawks at Ottawa Senators
Boy, guys, jeez, I tell ya. This is why they play the hockey games. Because who would’ve thought that Ottawa would have more points than the ‘Hawks at the start of March? 2012-end-times sort of thing, maybe. But, either way, them’s the breaks. Chicago needs two points pretty badly and, hey, so does the other team. Yet another reason why they play the games! Johnny Toews (alias Bruce Wayne (alias Batman)) is still out after being concussed on-ice and then driving his car into an Elevated Train support (an accident that has absolutely nothing to do with the concussion), and Nicklas “Lucky” Hjalmarsson is also out with a bad case of the ‘my brains don’t feel so hot’s. If the ‘Hawks wanna win, they’re gonna need big games from Marian Hossa and Raymond Emory… hey wait… they used to play for the Ottawa Senators! Watch as things get awkward.
IF YOU ASK ME, I THINK: Chris Campoli will be invited to a ceremony ‘honoring’ his time with both squads. But it’s an ambush! It turns out it’s a celebrity roast (well… not really a celebrity roast. It’s Chris Campoli.) Wait ’til you hear what Lisa Lampanelli has to say about this dirtbag!
3 March 2012
You at Your House
I know there are games, hockey games, that you could watch today. But, according to the New York Times newspaper, the best time to start Spring Cleaning is before Springtime. Because once it is nice outside, you do not want to scrub your house. Saturday is not looking so nice. And I’ve seen your house and it is filthy. So clean it! Get those Dorritos out the couch, mop up behind the toilet, and don’t breathe too deeply around that bucket of chemicals you’ll be using to work miracles.
AN ANIMITRONIC GYPSY AT THE CARNIVAL GAVE ME THIS FORTUNE: Clean up your house. It will help you win over friends as well as give you the confidence that you currently lack.
4 March 2012
Boston Bruins at New York Rangers
Good thing you wiped the layer of filth off your television set, because this bad boy’s a national broadcast! Which means no illegal computer viewing for you! Can the Bruins stand up to the Blueshirts? Generally one has to give the edge to a Ranger when it comes to bear management, what with their expert use of bear-bells and modern tranquilizers… But sometimes a bear can conjure some inner-warrior shit and make things interesting.
GUESS WHAT: Since no members of the New York Rangers are actual park service rangers, their inability to (legally) use tranquilizer darts and other anti-bear weaponry will leave them vulnerable. The advantage will swing Boston’s way, as they have an actual bear on their team: Tim Thomas. No, not, like, Ursus arctos horribilis, but, like, you know… a kinda burly guy with a beard.