Category Archives: Huskey’s Corner

Country Music, The Blues, and Philly Soul Out, Rock-n-Roll In: NHL Playoffs Week 4

It’s the one month anniversary of the NHL Playoffs! Did you guys get them a present?  We here at T-bone and the Hockey Doggz forgot.  That is until around 11:00pm last night.  Like it or not, playoffs, this is what you get.  We lost the receipt so no whining.

Uhhmm, ‘the hell?!

What’s happened in the last week? Well, all but one series of the second round are donzos. In the battle of the hockey belt, the Phoenix Coyotes move on to the conference finals for the first time in the team’s history.  They also might not actually be moving away from Phoenix, so that’s cool.  The stories of this series were a mediocre goalie-turned-28-save-3rd-star-of-the-game as well as two Eastern Europeans who stayed out past bedtime.  Sitting the two wild and crazy guys in game three of the series was an iffy call, it is the Stanley Cup after all.  Sitting out your two best offensive players in game four and losing 1-0, what are you thinkin’?!  C’mon Barry Trotz, don’t you know that a coyote is a scavenger that can pick the bones of mortally wounded predator?  Either way, people with haircuts like these aren’t allowed to cheer a team in the conference finals. NHL awards show in Vegas, maybe.  But not the conference finals.  Hopefully their opponent in the next series is a more exciting adversary.  Oh yeah, it will be, the Blues are out.

Andy, these aren’t even food.

The St. Blues really “Blue’d it” but were hampered by a serious case of bad “Ha-luck”.  Their “star” players were not able to compete at the same level as the star players of the L.A. Kings.  If you look beyond this series on the ice, it’s plain to see that St. Louis was doomed from the get-go.  In goal, Brian Elliot “Too Many Goals In” was forced to battle with off-season Tombstone, AZ reenactor Jonathan Quick.   Andy McDonald was held to just 1 goal and 1 assist after posting 8 points in 5 games versus the Sharks.  That’s like bringing home a 6-piece McNugget to hungry family.  You’ve got to provide, man!  Aside from the hit on Dustin Penner in game 2, T.J. Oshie was a Noshie.  That’s short for No Show.  The experienced veterans on the team were a Langenbummer and were left asking, “Why Arnott we scoring more goals?”. Who told number 42 to leave his A-game backes in the regular season?  Even defensemen like Barrett Jackman got jacked, man by Ponch and John Alec Martinez and Willie Mitchell.  Plus a shattened kirk and a hitched cock sound like career ending injuries.  On the other bench, the Kings have guys with less provocative, subconsciously detrimental names like Carter, Richards, and (no shit) King.  Even a name like Kopitar make you think of a guitar, which really flows with the whole California vibe.  Bottom line: L.A was rock-n-roll and St. Louis was the blues.   The Kings totally ruled and did whatever they felt like while the Blues put a lot of heart into it but were ultimately sad and lethargic.  It’s a real no-brainer.

On the other coast, no one cares about your name.  Over there it’s all rush rush, hurry hurry and everyone just wants to get on with their business.  Case in point, the New Jersey Devils.  We can go on and on about former guest of the TB&HDz podcast the Dark Lord and his reigning power over a mere Flyer (by the way, what’s a Flyer?  A pilot?  A businessman?  Anyone with credit good enough to earn miles?), but we’re going to stick to the facts here.  A Flyer is definitely a person who loses to the Devils in five.  The evil Philadelphia Flyers losing,

The best player in the world.

Peter Laviolette, Flyers Coach

Dirt Claude Giroux to a suspension before the most important game in their season was bad but, franchise goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov scoring the game-winning goal for the opponent was worse:

At least they only have this guy for 9 more years.

Awesome!

-T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz

Not everything on the east coast is efficient and faced paced though.  That’s right, we’re talking about those bozos in Washington.  After taking 7 games to methodically eliminate the the Bruin problem in the NHL, they have now moved the focus of their austerity measures to include the Rangers themselves.  “If we have no bears,” said Capitals General Manager George McPhee, “I don’t see the need for having Rangers.” The Capitals have had a chance to win the first five games, they’ve only won two.  It’s tight, defensive hockey, but Brad Richards is really good.  So is Henrik Lundqvist.  Tonight’s game will either see the New York Rangers move on or those bureaucrats in Washington will drag this series out to 7 games.  Which team will be the one to run with the devil[s]?

Don’t forget to leave us a comment!  You can e-mail us at tboneandthehockeydoggz@gmail.com .  Don’t forget to follow us on twitter @tbonehockeydogz for live tweets of games, sometimes.  Our end-of-the-second-round-podcast is coming up soon!  You can subscribe to that on iTunes riiiiiggghhhhht hhheeerrrreee.

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Threat Level: Kronwall

Seriously, this could have been in Faces of Death or something. Goddamn! I almost barfed when they showed this shit in slo-mo: Kronwall popping out like a whack-a-mole, Voracek peeping him at the last possible instant, and then #93 hittin’ the ice with his hands in the air like he just don’t care/can’t control his hands anymore.

Believe me when I say that this is rare, but: I feel bad for this Philadelphia Flyer. I don’t mind Voracek much, but something tells me I won’t have to mind him at all for the next year while he recuperates in Bobby Clarke’s sensory-deprivation tank. And talk about ultra-rare (like Mr. Clean with hair) but I agree with the CSN commentators. shudder. There really is no reason to keep playing while a dude’s just down on the ice, spazzing out like that. His fucking brains were probably leaking out his ears. Blow the whistle!

This is why they pay Kronwall the big bucks and why Red Wings games are almost always worth watching. Not that he’s a malicious or dirty player, but I still suspect that Kronwall’s locker has a bunch of photos of his hockey victims with red Sharpie marker ‘X’s’ over their faces. 

And, as Coach Cherry is wont to remind us: keep your heads up, kids!

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It Is The Freaking Weekend

Dwight's got my back!

I thought for a second I ran out of time for this week’s F.W. because I was sewin’ together my Dwight Yoakam back-patch this morning, but then I remembered that I had to go to work. So I could do it then. On the clock!

Read it and weep!

Continue reading

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Freakin’ Weekend: Redux

Must be the weekend...

Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend. Except some hockey players, who are workin’ on the weekend. Now I ‘get’ why they earn millions of dollars every year! Come, follow me- I can lead you through ‘the zone’… Continue reading

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Red Wings Succumb to Curse of Kyle Quincy, Lose at Home

As you all know by now, the Red Wings of Detroit have not lost a home hockey game since the Bush administration. The first one. H.W. Like, 769 straight games in Detroit- all wins. On the road, they’re something like a .500 team. But when outsiders show up to the Joe Lewis Arena, well, a different team shows up. Maybe it’s the motivational intermission speeches from Clint Eastwood, or Robocop making an appearance in the visitor’s locker room to ‘level the playing [ice]’, or perhaps it’s some other joke about Detroit that I can’t think of right now. No matter what, though, the Red Wings were unbeatable at home. But apparently the Vancouver Canucks don’t know the meaning of ‘unbeatable’ (well, after last year’s Cup finals, I’d say they might not grasp the whole ‘unbeatable’ thing…), because they showed up in Mo-Town and rudely won the hockey game- and right when they were a mere pussy hair away from losing!

Technicality

Now, it’s worth pointing out that the Nuck-Nucks won on what some would deem a ‘technicality’- a shootout. I agree, but my definition of ‘technicality’ can mean ‘awesome’, ‘cool’, or ‘fun to watch’. You’ve never heard it used that way before? Hm. This technicality had a little bit of everything. Case in point: how about Todd ‘Two-Million-Dollars-Per-Year’ Bertuzzi skating about .75 MPH towards the guy the Canucks traded him for? In case you never, ever see it, all’s I can say is, Bertuzzi just skated really slowly towards the net and then shot the puck at Robert O. Luongo’s leg. It was like he hears his mom yealling ‘c’mon Todd! We have to go! Now! Grandma’s waiting in the car, let’s go!’ and he’s just being a pill, skating all slow like that. Just fucking milking it. Then, the flip side of that, we had Alex Burrows, who used a less lethargic technique to achieve outstanding excellence in the category of hockey victories. While there was nothing unusual about Burrows’ move or anything, his celebration was noteworthy. Since this was special, what with that streak and all, the third Sedin tried to emphatically snap his stick over his thigh in celebration a la Bo Jackson. Which, I admit, was pretty clever, given he just singlehandedly snapped the Red Wings’ home winning streak. But he failed to break it, which was kind of funny. Especially since he was still pretty intense-looking and screaming.

Well, point is, is: this is the closest we get to playoff intensity until, uh, the playoffs. Duh! It’s called foreplay and it’s an important element in any season. Red Wings net minder Jimmy Howard was minding the hell out of that net, while his counterpart was also a pretty savvy dude when it came to using his body to keep the rubber discs outside of his own, personal special area.  Detroit’s third line were on their collective grind, providing all the offensive output, while ‘Dirty’ Daniel Sedin had a big game. Henrik ‘Two Assists’ Sedin wasn’t bad, neither. Heck, nobody was bad, tonight. I’m glad everybody gets some sort of point, because they all deserve it, entertaining me like that. So before people sully up the internet with gripey vibes about ‘bad icing call’ this and ‘Datsyuk out of the lineup that’ and ‘ew, they won the shootout, but that don’t even count, really’, just stop and appraise things as they are for a second. Detroit won an ass-load of hockey for their fans and they’ll likely continue doing so, right on through the springtime. This win by Vancouver should only serve to make things even more exciting should the two titans clash somewhere down the road.

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When Was the Last Time We Talked About the Blue Jackets?

'Why doesn't Scott call me back!?'

Well, every hockey-lovin’ butt in the universe is scuttling lately with the trade deadline approaching. We hockey doggz (and our pal T-Bone) spoke about this subject a bit in our last podcast, particularly about how slow the upcoming deadline day was shaping up to be. Then. BAM! Dominic Moore gets traded for the 14th time in three-and-a-half years.

Excitement!

Really, though, most of the big deals keeping GMs close to their Dreamphones involve the Columbus Blue Jackets franchise. And who wouldn’t want a player or two from that bunch? Let’s take a look at just what dudes the Mistake Near the Lake might be sending off to your favorite team! Continue reading

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A Freakin’ Weekend to Love Forever

This tape is just Mike Lange calling goals...

If I know that special someone of yours (which I do (don’t ask how (or why))), there’s one thing they’re going to really want for Valentine’s day this year. And that’s seeing you lying on the couch like you’re waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio to come sketch you while watching some rootin’/tootin’ NHL hockey. All weekend long, you should be doing this. For romance’s sake. Get those fires burning and s/he’ll be showering you with kisses quicker than you can say ‘Khabibulin.’ Just make sure to wipe off that Pizza Supreme Dorrito dust from your mouth before they go in for the smooch…

STAGE ONE: 10 February

Dallas Stars, Buffalo Sabres

NO GOAL

I'm not bitter, I'm just... just crestfallen.

First things first: NO GOAL. That goal so did not count. Fuck you Brett Hull. Fucking cheat.

Meanwhile, Dallas and Buffalo are both trying to remain relevant, playoff-wise, in their respective conferences. Dallas will have to try a little less hard than Buffalo in that respect, as the Stars sit a mere two points out of an invitation to get swept by Vancouver in the first round, while Buffalo remains ten points back from those scrappy Maple Leafs. If anyone can do it, though, it’s… man, I can’t really say this in good faith anymore, but, uh, I guess it’ll have to be Ryan Miller. Dammit. Well, on the plus side, the American Hero is 4-0-1 with a 0.95 goals-against average and two shutouts in his last five starts. Which would be great if the season were five games long.

BALLPARK ESTIMATE: With coach Lindy Ruff still watching the game from the press box due to some broken ribs (hockey’s such a Ruff ‘n’ tumble sport, even the coaches get hurt!), the Sabres begin to play a more laid-back, fun-lovin’ style of hockey, cuz when papa’s gone, ain’t nobody around to do the spankin’. Guys are gonna get extreme haircuts, smoke cigarettes in the locker room, maybe even invite a girl over to the First Niagara Center or whatever they call that arena these days. It will be fun, sure, but at what cost? In the end, anticipate these boys to become men, and maybe just learn a thing or two along the way. (2012, rated PG-13, 2/5 stars).

 

STAGE TWO: 11 February

Montreal, Toronto

Well, Scott Gomez scored a goal, so there goes about 80% of the “humor” I had lined up. But why not watch and see if he scores again?

Even though there are better teams playing this Saturday, I’d suggest this game for a couple of reasons. Number one, this is one of the better rivalries in the NHL; number two (haha- made you think ‘number two’), both these teams are vying for a playoff birth; and number three, uh, Don Cherry? What’s on his mind? Find out. Anyhow, Montreal is on a mini-tear of late, which is fitting because they’re kind of mini-team. Toronto, meanwhile, can’t seem to string together a consistent spell of games and look to be trying to get themselves eliminated from the playoffs somewhere around game 79. No matter what, though, this could be the match that determines if Mike Komisarek picked the right team to sign with a couple of years ago.

EDUCATED GUESS: Prior to the start of the game, the Montreal media will reveal that Maple Leaf’s goaltender Jonas “the Monster” Gustavsson earned his nickname not from his large, intimidating physical carriage, but, instead, from his years as a serial killer. I know, I know: Montreal typical.

Seriously, though: what if Gustavsson had this on his mask?

Says the report (from the future):

Gustavsson had a difficult and cruel childhood plagued by abuse and drug use in Sweden. He became a prostitute by the age of thirteen, the same year he became a goalie. He eventually moved to Florida where he began earning a living as a highway prostitute–servicing the desires of semi-truck drivers. In a nine month period between 1989 and 1990, during which Gustavsson had a lesbian relationship with a woman named Selby, he also began murdering his clientele in order to get money without using sex. This turned the tables on a rather common phenomena of goalie highway prostitutes being the victims of serial killers–instead the Monster, himself, carried out the deeds of a cold-blooded killer.

Apparently Charlize Theron played him in some sort of film adaptation.

CULMINATING EVENT (PROJECT MAYHEM): 12 February

Philadelphia Flyers, Detroit Red Wings

Love is in the air in Detroit.

Now, honestly, I’ll probably be watching the Capitals and the Rangers this Sunday because that game will be broadcast live on my television/vcr/dvd combo. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and contact your cable or satellite provider and make sure that you have NBC Sports Network so that you can watch this doozy. That’s right, the Red Wings won’t have Darren McCarty to bail them out of this one (or Garth Snow in goal, for that matter), because this ain’t your granddad’s Detroit squad. Well, some of them are. But gramps never heard of Darren Helm, I bet. These teams are actually kind of similarly built: three solid, skilled forward units (sprinkled with some insane, legendary talent), stodgy and effective defense, and, with Jimmy Howard out, some goalies that might be out-dueled by a roughly-human-sized inanimate object of your choosing. The east/west showdowns are usually pretty wide open (since you don’t really care about giving up a point to somebody not in your conference), so get ready for some one to get Kronwalled, Zolnierczyk’d, or, god forbid, Abdelkadered.

SHOT IN THE DARK: Detroit has only lost two games at home this year (no joke!), so Philly’s gonna have to pull out all the stops to win this one. Their best bet is to hope that a Red Wings player’s undiagnosed heart murmur flairs up in the middle of play, causing the game to be postponed and, hopefully, rescheduled at some other site.

Hey that’s not a prediction at all, just a tasteless Jiri Fischer joke!

You’re in Huskey’s Corner- my corner, my rules!

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So Excited… Just Can’t Hide it…

'Shh... Phil's about to say something'

I noticed some dumb little flowers poking out of the ground this past freakin’ weekend, and I thought about one thing: NHL PLAYOFFS. Thanks, flowers! Sorry you’re all probably frozen to death now. It’s actually your fault for being tricked by that January sunblast, though. But, anyways, T-Bone and his HDBFFz are so excited for the coming of Spring and the thawing of Lord Stanley’s cup from the secret, sacred glacier-cavern in Northern Ontario that we’ve decided to take our show on the road! To Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania! To find out exactly when Spring is going to begin! Based on what the groundhogg (Punxsutawney Philip) tells us. That’s right, another TB&theHDz exclusive: we’ll be rappin’ with America’s #1 psychic groundhogg to find out not only when Spring is comin’, but who all’s gonna be washin’ babies and eatin’ gravy out of that fancy silver bowl come summertime.

But that won’t be for another couple of days. So, in the meantime, I’ll use my human powers of conjecture and prejudice to explore how the playoff picture is shaping up. Continue reading

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Freakin’ All Star Game

When we were kings

Normally the words ‘all-star’ and ‘hockey’ and ‘game’ would make for a pretty fantastic sentence. But this ain’t our first rodeo, friends and lovers. It’s been well-established that NHL All-Star Games are the least exciting 11-10 hockey games you’ll ever see, but don’t let that spoil your freakin’ weekend. Continue reading

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The Boston Bruins and the H.U.S.K.E.Y. Method

First off: we still have some beautiful buttons for sale, folks. $30 each or 3/$100. We wore them. Game worn.

Should I say 'boo" or 'Broo-ins'?

Moving on: Sometimes… I swear, guys. *sigh* It’s like the Bruins just want me to hate them. I know what you’re thinking and then saying at your computer/smartphone/T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz E-Reader: ‘That’s crazy, bro. Those dudes don’t know you like that!’

True, true.

But! Don’t take things so literally, guys. And, besides that, I sometimes think that Bruins want me to love them.

Now everybody’s probably spit-taking coffee all over your computer/smartphone/T-Bone and the Hockey Doggz E-Reader and saying ‘what the fuck, bro!? Pick a side! And buy me a new computer!’

So I’ve folded a perforated sheet from a yellow legal pad (hot-dog style) and have created two columns: “pro” and “con”. The “pro” side is where I’ll provide positive commentary about the Boston Bruins, while I can use the “con” portion of the sheet to record all of the team’s shortcomings and foibles. When I complete this diagnostic, I can tally which side is truer and determine what I think. I call this the “Huskey Universal System for [K]alculating Excellent hockeY-teams” (H.U.S.K.E.Y.).

And. Here. We. Go. Continue reading

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